I'M IN LOVE WITH ONE DIRECTION ALL OVER AGAIN ALL OF SUDDEN.

sleepless nights

semenjak menapaki kaki di tahun kedua perkuliahan, aku semakin sadar artinya lelah. bukan sekedar fisik, tapi mental yang berkali-kali ditempa

aku sadar belakangan aku memforsir berlebihan, tapi apa daya jika itu menjadi tanggung jawabku. aku tak ingin menjadi lemah, meski fisik sudah tak sanggup dan hati sudah meluka

ada jarak. entah dengan siapapun. yang menjauh memicu perih, yang mendekat memicu pilu. apa semua perubahan selalu membawa ketidaknyamanan?

ada sepi yang perlahan menggerogoti..entah berapa lama lagi sampai tubuh ini habis ditelan hawa nafsunya sendiri.

ada beban. yang tak semakin sedikit. yang membuatnya semakin sulit untuk dijalani, dan semakin menarik aku jauh dari pintu keluar.

aku menjadi gelap dalam malamku sendiri
aku menjadi tangis dalam air mataku sendiri

aku menjadi mimpi dalam tidurku sendiri
tanpa ada isi, tanpa ada rasa, tanpa ada pikir.

kosong.
kosong.
dan semakin kosong.

distance

late night posts as you know are always about sadness, broken heart, regrets and disappointment, pain, depression, grief, and else.

and what's goin' on my mind now is about all of those things.

it happens because of the distance i have now with someone i love.

distance does make the heart go fonder, and stronger as well. cause it is going to face a lot of things that may tear them apart, scater them into pieces, while everything else is pushing it to stay strong.

there are so many pain i bear everytime i am being disappointed. each stuffes that put me in grief causes depression. i don't know how long i can hold these tears anymore, cause sometimes blaming doesn't fix anything. in the end my heart will always be broken, crack by crack, stick through all the sadness.

i may regret hurting you, but are you too?

baby, don't make our heart fall apart, don't make our heart far from each other by distance.

:)

there is a question that keep buzzing me lately, 'are we there already, at the end, when over is better than anything else?'

again i would say 'i hope not'.

but how can i hold on to this kind of relationship, when my heart is bearing, facing tears over and over again, and all i have done was let my pillow be wet at night.

we used to tell stories, share problems, figure it out together. TOGETHER. but now? i feel left alone.

i don't even care anymore to keep it all inside eventhough i know i am hurting myself more and more just to keep your heart safe, just to keep your smile in your face, just to see you happy.

can you see how i suffer? i hope you can't, cause if you knew you'll be broke baby and it will be hard for both of us.

again, i choose to hid it. it is wrong i know, but i guess you did all the same lately. and i feel stupid not to recognize that earlier. i just hope you don't repeat my mistakes cause it is hurting, more and more, every second.

remember the time when i fell asleep at night and i found a voicenote in the morning from you?
remember the time when we talk about everything till morning came?
remember the time when i can say straightly how i feel cause i know you would understand and yeah you did?
remember the time when you asked me if i'm okay just by reading my post here a minute after i posted it?

you seem to know what happened to me before i even told you, you seem to know how to make me happy with those little things.
where those things gone dear?

now i remember how recently i sent you a voicenote and i didn't get any reply.
now i remember how we argued through the night and ended up ignoring each other.
now i remember how i am getting used to hide my feelings and saying 'i am okay' when i am not.
now i remember how i realize you haven't check my blog for a while, and you seem like you do not care to read it again.

that is what happening now. that is what going on between us now.
and that is not how it supposed to be.

can we fix this or over is better? :)

an aversive stimuli

sakit
patah hati
terluka
kecewa
and all of the burden

aku mungkin sudah terbiasa dengan keberadaan itu semua
ada masanya di mana aku hanya membutakan mata ketika harus melangkah maju
dan ada masanya di mana aku hanya menulikan telinga ketika harus saling menyapa

kenapa ya, sakit itu memilih datang dan pergi terus menerus
sebenarnya apa yang ia cari?

aku rindu akan siasat malam merengkuh diri ini
menyembunyikan seluruh kepahitan yang hampir tertelan di ujung tenggorokan
membiarkan luka dan perih saling berpapasan lalu seketika itu juga lenyap bersamaan
namun aku tahu, ia hanya sebatas pada malam

ternyata semua tidak pernah semudah itu. sepi, sendiri, rindu, aku benci itu semua

apa aku masih sanggup untuk 5 6 tahun mendatang
menapaki hal yang sama berulang kali?
semoga pusing tujuh keliling tidak menghampiri
dan nestapa tidak menusuki
kalau tidak mungkin akan ada masanya di mana aku harus menyerah

menyerah pada kenyataan yang aversif.

c'mon mind

are you crazy or something? really you totally gonna crash my mind right now...what the hell are you doing in there huh?

please i need to rest for a while, don't be so hectic at time like this..it makes me spinning around like merry go round that won't stop.

and you, seriously you ain't doin something or what? just sit there say anything you use to say everyday without even notice how broke i am right now.

can't even imagine how i can stand for another time like this, it's kinda frustrating and exhausting. i need to go off, i need a day off but i can't and you know that. but all you did was nothing, in fact you're just making it worse.

silly me for holding on? i hope not. even i did say need to break free and lighten up my day, i can't get rid of imagining me without you. i think i am going to drown in a river of tears. hiperbol i know sorry tho..but i guess it's right

thanks for the support besties whoever you are. thanks for listening to all the crap i've been saying about these mixed thought. thanks for every stupid questions and damn good advices that slap me in the face. I love u, u guys know that (i hope)

well. please go okay, i need to be free for a while from things like these. Nite nightmares.

f*ck my daily routine

Well hello again.. Still the same old me

There's actually something going on in my mind, distracting and annoys me the past few days

I don't know why, it almost reaches the end of the semester and i don't think i do good enough this time. You know what? It's been crazy, and i am stuck for being lazy. Once i get my mood boost to do all the paperworks and etc all bad things happen and again make me feel exhausted.

Still going on with my bf, and still the same old stories, heartbreaks, fights, arguments, crazy thoughts over each other, ended up in silence moment. No contact no good responses no vibe to talk to him. It's no good, i know, but shits happen tho. And for the fact that it's getting harder each day can't get away. All i have to do was just face this longdistance thingy cause that's all i need, need this to never stop because of some silly stupid hard convo between us. I hope we won't ruin anything just because of our ego is stronger.

Can anyone find me a good favor to cheer my life? At least for a while.

Oh gosh i need holidays and damn vacation. I need air, to breath this whole crazy things. Fresh air on the beach, the sea and the sunset, the mountain, the fun things to do in any other places will be better, cause now i am drown in my own fucking boring tiring daily routine.

Kayy then bye, gotta read more chapter..